Saturday, January 27, 2007 ♣
my thoughts.
i feel so sick..
been skipping dance for god knows how many times..
assignments are never ending.
parents are finally home.
social life is dead.
love life was never alive.
sch.home. tat's my schedule.
been driving.
been thinking nonsense.
wats tat in life i ask everyday.
no excitement cause i dun do anything?
tried once, but life was all fake.
fake people. fake smiles. fake hugs. fake all around.
wat exactly am i looking for?
not love. not life. maybe something something else.
the sky is beautiful.
wat lays in the other world?
a death and a birth greeted me in 2007.
i'm turning 20.
and no, i'm not celebratin my bday by asking.
where shall my attachment be?
wat shall i do when my attachment ends in 6mths time?
i'm going inside a shell.
the world is not stopping for anyone.
shall i pick up my legs and start moving somewhere?
anywhere?
will a sign from above give me a hint?
i'm lost.
Walking Contradiction.
8:40 PM
Thursday, January 18, 2007 ♣
the ghost of me.
fate..
wat exactly is it?
is it fate i'm like this?
when i change, it is also fated?
yet ppl say u can change fate..
but how can u know the original layout of ya life n order to say u have change ur fate?
wat change? it was part of ur fate.
2007.. 18 days into the year.. started off wif a death in my life.
non-celebration. wats there to celebrate?
often feeling out of this world... not in good nor a bad way.. juz something..
a sense of often "looking in" rather than being in..
i do stuff to keep my mind from wandering like it is now..
often caught "zoning" out yet i'm not..
i'm quite aware of my surroundings but at the same time too detached from it..
it's like i've lost my spirit to live.. alive yet dead.
foremost, i dun wan to kill myself.
yet i dun see any purpose in living.
i know i'm lucky to have wat i have in terms of living comforts and family in my life.
yet there's juz something that is making me constantly sinkin lower into my own
world.
i like people yet i HATE em at the same time.
notice how i say hate.
i see the good in people who treat me yet will hate em for treating me good.
often being nasty.
how many times i can't count i left good companions for somebody else who is treating me as a spare tyre..
standing at the edge of a circle that doesn't belong to me.
i can be at the comfort of being 1 in a circle yet i choose another that will "join hands" wif me depending on their mood.
in other simplier words.. i always want to be at places where i'm not wanted..
y?
anyone can analyse me?
5 years i've gotten these feelings.. always leaving it harder for me to break thru..
4 years of "rollercoaster rides of emotions". "Gasping for saneness" throughout my years in sec sch.
how my old frens describe me as being e "active and noisy kid"...
i trust too easily.
yet suspicious as easily.
i look n i wonder.
tat's all i ever do.
havin convos in my head.
talking yet nobody hears me.
am i really invisible?
i know u heard wat i said but y do u pretend not to hear?
i grow softer by day.
y?
ur voices are drowning mine.
love.
a word i can never feel.
i get damn pissed by those feelings.
it leads ya to sadness.
i dun believe love exists.
only mutual respect, trust & companionship exists.
never once did i mutter i love u & mean it.
seems evil or sad rubbish but truth is there.
i lost 10 kg last year..
mainly due to danzation..
other was the "feelings" came back again.
i was trying so hard to "feel" alive/great so i can perform good.
now i feel so drained out..
i can't force myself anymore.
another sleepness night to add to my collections of numerous "sleep lulabyes".
Walking Contradiction.
1:29 AM